europeanization

Ms. Gloom & Doom

lately i've felt insane.

change of weather brings change of mood,
and i go from laughing and smiling,
racing through the streets in the sun,
to panicked and moody and REALLY self-doubtful.
it's probably because...

• it's the last stretch and thoughts of this year ending
  make me wonder what i have and will accomplish.
  
• no matter what i eat or drink my stomach makes
  really uncomfortable noises at work.
  
• being less avoidant means more interaction with people
  from the past means realizing inadequacies.
  
• serious sleep deprivation and oncoming illness leads me to
  FEEL BAD AND OVERTHINK/SECOND GUESS EVERYTHING.
  

digo, katharine and murray are in FL for ultra right now
and i'm stuck in front of a computer for 80% of the day.
i would scream right now but i have zero privacy.

PNG is the new GIF

searched

things i searched for today at work:
'coffee makes me gassy'
'sinead o connor face'
'maggie magic asia grüne thai suppe sodium content'
'Venus Extravaganza?'
'wachovia is the worst bank in the US'
'Pantoffelhelden Susanne Seidel'
'sawgood fidget house'
'brittany murphy dead'

i am the modern jesus christ

no seriously.

yesterday i was photographed in my underwear
in this chain smoker's near-empty studio
with a group of older american/english people
plus a german who looked and spoke exactly like björk
standing around smoking and drinking red wine.
it's for the updated cover of ken shakin's book the cure for sodomy.

anyway the photographer nathan wright
gave me tips on local, abandoned nazi barracks
and he's photoshopping my body to look like
it's being electrocuted on the cross.

will post photo as soon as i get my hands on it :)

mein verrücktes leben

WEEKLY POINTS OF INTEREST:::

mon: hang out at ulli's, so36 for dancing (dog barfed rice pudding near entrance)

tues: dead tired meeting at candice's, potluck at elaine's

wednes: ???

thurs: nude modeling shoot, jazz club, rosi's for dancing

fri: meet and greet with photographer for sodomy book cover, weinerei, some shit place for dancing, passing out for hours on the train

satur: gym, printing out cookbook like a madman, fondue at ulli's, roter salon for dancing

sun: madame claude (as usual)

(add work at jakun 10-5 everyday and you're looking at a busy, busy week!)

the CONS & PROS

so i need to move to berlin. it's been too ridiculous lately with traveling 2-4 hours a day, sleeping roughly the same amount (!!!) and just feeling like going back to potsdam and the same host family situation is FAR from ideal. moving sucks for sure, but seeing other people's apartments in berlin makes me rethink things... so here's the cons and the pros (rather than pros and con, since i wouldn't be reconsidering the situation if everything was positive and great, right?)

CONS:

• smoky shit smell
  
• sharing bathroom - never shower, no time in morning
  
• 1hr+ travel time each way to/from work, sometimes 2x day to party in Berlin
  
• host family never eats together - Microwave is king!!!
  
• socializing around the televiison - TV waves = brain waves
  
• computer- & South Park-obsessed host father ***doesn't look at me anymore!
  
• total mismatch in personalities & interests
  
• 205 euro rent + only 100 euro stipend (compared to 250 euro stipend when living in a shared apt) to barely live there, barely eat their food, and to have little to no contact with these people
  
• sometimes pissy host sister
  
• host mom badmouthed Ulli!
  
• Bahncard expiring 31.03.10 - no need to pay extra just so i can go to potsdam every day
  

PROS:

• WAS convenient during the university phase
  
• relative privacy
  
• internet connection
  
• food always available
  
• sofa is relatively comfortable
  
• always warm
  
• uni gym membership & proximity
  
• trips with daniel
  
• someone else does the cooking/shopping/cleaning
  

i mean i don't want to make it out to be the worst situation ever, but it'd be nice for a change... a big change for the remainder of my time here. i'm searching for places now!