aimless, disappointed, confused

(@ capital one headquarters; hopeful job candidate, eager to work.)

more bad news: i didn't get the senior art director associate
position with capital one.
i had to endure an overextended interview process,
a recruiter who never initiated any contact whatsoever,
and a terrible period of loneliness, self-doubt, and
an ever-draining bank account with no income.


(@ home, alone without job or local friend network, totally devastated)

what to do?
at this point i can't stand the sight of online forms,
am so tired of mass emails for positions that
don't fit my goals whatsoever.
should i settle for lowered expectations,
lowered wages and a lower value of myself?
with this job failure have i accomplished anything
in the past 2 months since being back?
what am i doing here?

Ms. Gloom & Doom

lately i've felt insane.

change of weather brings change of mood,
and i go from laughing and smiling,
racing through the streets in the sun,
to panicked and moody and REALLY self-doubtful.
it's probably because...

• it's the last stretch and thoughts of this year ending
  make me wonder what i have and will accomplish.
  
• no matter what i eat or drink my stomach makes
  really uncomfortable noises at work.
  
• being less avoidant means more interaction with people
  from the past means realizing inadequacies.
  
• serious sleep deprivation and oncoming illness leads me to
  FEEL BAD AND OVERTHINK/SECOND GUESS EVERYTHING.
  

digo, katharine and murray are in FL for ultra right now
and i'm stuck in front of a computer for 80% of the day.
i would scream right now but i have zero privacy.