aimless, disappointed, confused

(@ capital one headquarters; hopeful job candidate, eager to work.)

more bad news: i didn't get the senior art director associate
position with capital one.
i had to endure an overextended interview process,
a recruiter who never initiated any contact whatsoever,
and a terrible period of loneliness, self-doubt, and
an ever-draining bank account with no income.


(@ home, alone without job or local friend network, totally devastated)

what to do?
at this point i can't stand the sight of online forms,
am so tired of mass emails for positions that
don't fit my goals whatsoever.
should i settle for lowered expectations,
lowered wages and a lower value of myself?
with this job failure have i accomplished anything
in the past 2 months since being back?
what am i doing here?

couch potato chips

living with friends (elaine and konrad),
not traveling 2.5+ hrs every day,
not having to eat packwiches,
not having to sneak around after 11 pm
(since people actually are night active),
playing my music, saying whatever,
feeling comfortable and being myself
(without having to listen to the drone
of a television or the hum of a computer screen
masking misery in the background)
is all so much better that i could have expected!

my regional rep called my work today to chat.
she wants to meet tomorrow for lunch and
it'll be interesting and challenging not to bring up
the fact that these former hosts were nothing but
boring couch potatoes who find jokes about
the physically disabled hilarious.

time to smear or time to cheer?